The year was 2004. I was on my way to the University of Maine in Orono to visit a girl I had dated over the summer, and was in her final semester there. I booked my tickets using Priceline, which ended up saving me money and taking me through Logan airport to get to Bangor, ME.
Oddly enough, the flights booked by Priceline were (a) two separate airliners and (b) just 45 minutes apart. I got off my first flight, had to leave the terminal with my carry-on bag, re-check it, and rush to the other terminal for the second leg of the flight.
Logan is a nightmare of an airport, but security was fortunately decent on this mid-morning. Unfortunately, I had the XXXX on my ticket to indicate that I would be “randomly selected” for additional screening. (HINT: A then-22-year-old kid with a bald, shaved head assures your place at the side of the screening booth.)
I go through the metal detector and, knowing what’s about to happen, the screener greets me. She’s about 5’5”, probably of Latin decent, and definitely not from Mass. All good things. We go over to a bench just behind past the detectors and baggage screening equipment. She describes the process which I had already been through a few times in that last twelve months. (Remember? Bald? Young? This happened four straight flights after 9/11.)
I get up, give her the crucifix stance. She pats me down - doesn’t touch my junk. Gives me the metal wand treatment. All the while, she’s asking where I’m flying in a friendly tone, but surely with interrogative intentions.
At the end of the wanding, she says something that caught me off guard.
“Ok, now take your pants off.”
Like Ron Jeremy on a porn set, I start to take my belt off. I am ready to drop trou for this lady while hundreds of people are pouring through the terminal.
She stops me as the buckle comes loose.
“No! No! I’m just kidding. I’m just messing with you!”
Still not convinced, I said, “If it’ll keep America safe, I’ll drop ‘em.” (Perhaps that remark reveals way more about me than taking off my jeans.)
She insists. “No! It’s ok. You’re good!”
We laughed about it a little bit. I grabbed my bags and went along my way. I made the flight with my boys unscathed.
Something occurred to me in the car as I was driving with Katie to Green Bay from Milwaukee. What does a football team that is playing defense deep within the offensive end - inside the 20 - really gain from penalties that are enforced half the distance to the goal line?
A holding penalty with a team pinned inside of the ten? The defense gets less than 10 yards from the penalty - max 5. And the defensive benefit only goes down from there on more penalties during that series. Sure, the prospect of a safety gets better, but really, how often does a ref make an arm triangle over his head?
Wouldn’t there be more benefit on that same holding penalty not from backing up the offense, but rather having the option to extend the line to gain by the full ten yards? Instead of, say, 1st and 15, it’s now 1st and 20. The full value of the penalty would be enforced if the defense opted for it while simultaneously reducing any offensive incentive to commit penalties pinned deep because of the diminishing returns for the defense.
Of course, the defense would be given the opportunity to accept the penalty as either half the distance or the full penalty to extend the line to gain. This would insert more strategy into penalties. A defensively savvy team could take a gamble on half the distance and hope to get a safety. Lousier teams on that side of the ball could get real help and allow themselves more space to bend, but not break.
In very recent days, I’ve been offered some wonderful opportunities that I can finally share with much rejoicing. (Cue the Keith Olbermann Big Show catch phrase audio.)
First, and most immediate, I will be blogging the Ryder Cup for NBC Sports. This was truly a most welcome surprise and I’m really looking forward to giving full-service coverage to the matches in Wales next week. You’ll be able to find that blog at http://opentalk.nbcsports.com.
Basically, I’ll run that blog as I have Waggle Room and the GNN Blog - remember that? - before it. Rapid fire updates on news, (hopefully) good analysis, and an invitation to join the conversation. So please come join me there next week.
Also, I wanted to let everyone know that I’ve been offered and accepted a part-time role as a contributor to Yahoo!’s Devil Ball Golf blog. I’ll be joining the fray with Jay Busbee and Shane Bacon - and others - a couple of times during the week, as well as headlining the weekend coverage.
What does this mean for Waggle Room? Well, nothing really. The site will still get the same attention as it always has. It won’t become my scorned lover. You’ll just see my byline in one more place with some regularity. And I’ll be manning Celtic Manor stations at NBC Sports.
I’m extremely appreciative of and flattered by these opportunities. As many of you know, I’ve been writing about golf for nearly eight years now. Patience truly is a virtue, as is hard work and the willingness to always improve.
OK. Enough writing in the first person. Let’s get back to the real news.
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This gentleman is the special character who I discovered today just south of Thomas Circle in DC. Coming back from Potbelly, I was standing at the corner of 14th and K St. NW when Ole Bike Shorts here strolled up behind me. He then sauntered into one of the busiest intersections in the city to turn around and tell a delightful looking 20something yuppie that she had a “tasty booty.” After making a cross between a biting motion and a turtle snap, he crossed the street to the Crowne Plaza hotel after waving at a passing bus. He then looked through the hotel’s outdoor ashtray atop a trash can before spotting another African-American lady to gawk at, accompanied by a fancy Norman Smiley dip. Street, gawk, repeat.
A server at Busboys and Poets in VA wearing a t-shirt donning lines from Langston Hughes’ Dreams. Irony?
What the hell am I going to with my Triceratops t-shirt now?
Can’t give it to my kids. Why? Because Triceratops - apparently - is not real. It’s just the baby form of a torosaurus.
Watching 60 Minutes last night, I saw the opening story about homegrown terrorists and how some American citizens are becoming radicalized Muslim terrorist wannabes. The story panned across a cubicle farm at the NYPD/Joint Terrorism Taskforce that showed workers hard at investigating radical Websites and videos seeking to recruit and incite terrorist violence against the United States.
Good to know that our finest have Internet memes from 2002 in their cubes. That definitely means that they’re up to speed on the latest Web technology to keep us aware of the newest threats to our security.
airport:drinkyourjuice:(via andrewvache)